Santa School 2016
Becoming Santa
You know, sometimes I’m so snowed under that I cannot get to see a child or some children myself. It is not an easy job for anyone pretending to be me when that happens. I tell people that acting on my behalf is not all mince pies, sherry and jolliness.
Fortunately, my friends James and Matt, directors of the Ministry of Fun, run the UK’s leading Santa School. This marvellous school trains ordinary mortals to stand in for me if need be.
One of the things a new “Santa” learns is that a substitute Father Christmas has always to ask himself “What would the real Father Christmas do?” and act accordingly.
As a result:
A new “Santa” must look the part. That is, good suit, boots, real or convincing beard and moustache, metal framed glasses and good white gloves. A skinny “Santa” will need a false tummy (or a cushion at a pinch) to look more like me.
“Santa” never asks a child’s name because I already know it. Don’t you remember my naughty and nice lists?
He never asks what children want for Christmas, because of course I already have their letter; he just asks to be reminded. He also avoids promising specific gifts in case we can’t provide them.
He knows the names of all my reindeer because I do! (Here is a reminder for you, they are Dasher and Dancer, Cupid and Vixen, Comet and Prancer, Donder (aka Donner) and Blitzen and the new lad, Rudolph.)
The chaps who stand in when I can’t be there have to be able to wish children a Merry Christmas in many languages. After all, I take gifts to children all over the world.
All of my prospective stand-ins are DBS-checked before they are allowed to graduate from the Ministry’s Santa school at the end of their training.